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22 Jun 2020
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Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40609

  • Littlebear3
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I also have experienced a stubborn mom, in my case she was dying of cancer.
I now work as a caregiver to the elderly and this is so common. She is lucky you were there for her. Walking the last path with someone is the most sacred thing any of us can experience.

Let the tears flow. As the pain subsides, you can experience a great peace knowing that you were there with her.
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Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40589

  • Laurie
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Jayisk,

I’m so sorry...<hug> ...you know I live with my stubborn mom and we all have a “what mom does to drive us nuts” thread here somewhere. We all have a deep appreciation for the relationship you are having end. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in as it felt too close to home just reading this that I couldn’t catch my breath and felt a deep ache in my gut for your Lisa. Like a punch in the stomach and I can’t get air...

Somethingsacred Brandon is right about allowing the emotions to flow so they don’t ruin you by getting trapped inside your big heart.

What a cool son she had. I’m really impressed with how you handled it and your mom was undoubtedly very glad you were there for her as we all have our discussions...
I have my DNR posted in huge letters on my bedroom wall. Mom says it’s morbid but it’s also not something I want anyone GUESSING what I would want.

I’m so impressed to hear how you implemented this plan (even though we think we will never need to).

Please know my heart is heavy for your loss and I really feel privileged to have you as a friend here...<hug>
Laurie
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Last edit: by Laurie.

Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40584

  • Somethingsacredgoinonhere
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jayisk..

I am so sorry brother ...

This is just the right group of folks to express and share this traumatic event with.. i believe it to be hard knowing how to proceed with what just happened to your mother and family , this is never a 1&2 is 3 event , your mother resisted going to get checked out , she made a decision as any adult has a right to make , this is not your doing my friend!!! , life as most of us know is so precious, I feel your pain in loosing your mom, the best we can give and offer you , you have it from us .... know you have a lot of shoulders here as well as empathetic ears and caring hearts to support you ... however we can ,

My prayers are with you, your family and mother ..

Hard to give advice , but this suggestion is from the heart bro, feel your grieving , allow yourself to feel the loss , the trauma , the pain....allow yourself to grieve , do not blame yourself .... feel the pain and honor it, try not to cling to it , let it move through you

remember all the wonderful aspects about your mom, the gratitude and love for the women who brought you into this world , and share that love and gratitude with your family , birth and death are so sacred .. and everything in between as well..

My heart goes out to your family jayisk , please reach out if you need a shoulder, ear .... we are here for you

Brandon

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Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40572

  • Nan70
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Sorry you lost your mom. I'm never sure what to say but I know it was too soon to lose her this way. Please do not feel any what if's. There is no way you could have tried anything different or sooner. I have a extremely stubborn mother who resists Dr/ER care I have been over scenarios in my head, Ultimately I will not be able to control or influence my mom or my father's medical decisions.
It makes my heart ache how much you are missing her. I send you out my sympathies to you and your family.
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Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40570

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This is a very difficult time.

If posting here helps .... then go for it!

I am so sorry for your loss.
BEV

"Fewer faces and more spaces"

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Twenty minutes 1 year 1 week ago #40568

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I've been hesitant to post this but I am finding talking about helps. I live in a 2 family house. My mother and her cats on the first and my wife and kids on the second. For the past 2 1/2 yrs I have not been able to work because I've been caring for my 72 yr old mother.
In that time we have become the closest we have ever been. She is the only person in my life that has always been for me no matter what.
She beat cancer earlier on in that time. The main issue was her chronic back pain. She had major issues with 2 discs and there was also issues with some other discs. She also had severe arthritis which made things more complicated. From some reason her legs would give out on her and she would fall even with a rolling walker in the house. She has been home bound and only went out for Dr. appointments. She was unable to do basic tasks and was in constant pain. And I really didn't see any solutions for these problems.

Two weeks ago she came down with what we thought was bad food poisoning. An hour after she ate she had bad abdominal pain and was vomiting. By the third day I kept asking her to go to her dr. or the E.R.
She has always been a very stubborn women and hates the E.R. and refused. By the 4 th day of vomiting and pain I pleaded with her to go to the E.R. to get I.V. fluids. As she was not holding down any food or liquid. So I knew she was badly dehydrated.

I woke up on Sunday Fathers Day feeling good. My plan was to get my kids ready to go to church with my mother-in-law and hit the gym. As I was getting the kids ready my mom called me to put her on her roller walking and take her back to her bedroom because she was to weak and could barely speak. Once I seen that her breathing was off I called 911 for an ambulance.

My wife who is a nurse and was working that day at a different hospital left work to meet us in the E.R.
Both of us were under the impression that she would get I.V. fluids and maybe spend the night. Her levels were off and they wanted to get a cat-scan of the abdominal. They gave her a liter of contrast to drink and 2 potassium pills to take. She seemed ok given the circumstances.

I titled this "twenty minutes" because that was the time it took after finishing taking those two things to a rapid and unexpected change in her health status. Out of nowhere she started to aspirate, O2 sat dropped to 30, and at that moment the look in her eyes changed. I've worked in a hospital before and have seen that look.
Her eyes changed and she went into cardiac arrest. I was yelling for R/T and for them to call a code.

Once I seen this I realized that my mother was not every coming home again. Took 5 minutes of chest compressions, 4 shots of epi and some other stuff, and a breathing tube. It took every once of my being not to start throwing and breaking shit in the E.R. as I stood there and watched them bring my mother back.

My wife being a nurse for 25 yrs in cardiac care/tele didnt need to watch she knew what was going on by listening to the Dr.s and nurses. She was in a coma but stable enough and that moment for me to leave and come home to pull myself together. She had a bottle of pain pills at home and somehow I managed not to take them to dull the pain I was going through.

When I returned my mother-in-law who is a retired nurse was there. My mother ended up coding two more times. After that we had the talk with the doctor and I signed the do not resuscitate form. Giving what I knew and what she and I have discussed previously I knew it was for the best and what she would want.

They cleaned her up and brought her up to ICU for comfort care. Shortly after she went into D-fib and flat lined.

I have been in shock and emotional wreck. It still doesn't feel real. At times I reach for the phone or get up to go tell her something and realize she is gone. She has three cats that are sad and confused because they dont know what happened. My wife and kids are taking it hard.

Mornings are the worst right now. I keep waking up with severe anxiety. I use to wake up and go downstairs to have coffee with her in the morning and talk. And help her with whatever she needed.
They believe she had an obstruction in the intestines or some type of rupture or abdominal bleed.

Listed cause of death: Cardiac arrest secondary to pulmonary edema and sepsis.

Don't know what else to say but life really sucks at times.
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