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TOPIC: My mom has dementia but with an asterisk

My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 1 week ago #38485

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My mom cannot not make the 1 hour trip to graduation lunch because she is worried about pooping. As I type this it gives me a little chuckle. Its as sad as it is funny.
She was excited at first and couldn't stop talking about going and seeing my fam. My father informed now she is too worried about pooping. She is paranoid about needing to go to the bathroom, she always feels she needs to poop, but she doesn't really.
Her issue is severe anxiety and she is a giant toddler with a temper. This is where dementia with an asterisk comes in play.
She was initially diagnosed with age related mental decline after a few health scares which turned out not to be serious.
Her issues- Eye sight she is so impatient she never got the correct eye prescription and after 2 attempts and 1000s of dollars in lenses later they sort gave up.<--this is not good but out of my hands.
She had impacted bowels do the mental stress My father fractured his partial hip replacement and she had a mental breakdown following. She cold turkey quit smoking after 60 years which meant she also suffered withdrawals. Nicotine was her only coping mechanism(for everything). She was brought to a neurologist who diagnosed dementia but the second neurologist back tracked a little after numerous tests, can't really figure out what is going on. but they are treating her mostly for dementia.
I told my father to get her a therapist to help her with coping skills because for some reason pych meds are not working as well as nicotine did for her.
My father gives in to her whims to alleviate his guilt for getting sick and she realizes the more she plays her I have a dementia card the more she gets catered too. I am venting because its taking a toll on my 80 year old father who has taken over her care and household duties. She still has physical and mental capabilities but is stuck in a self pity cycle and we cannot help her out of it.
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 1 week ago #38490

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I didn’t realize we are blood relatives, Nan70!

My Mom also has the, “I can’t go anywhere because I might have to poop” anxiety. Yes, it’s used as a weapon and/or excuse also. She DOES get physically sick when something important is scheduled in advance (to help her prepare) and as it nears, she can end up hospitalized.

I’ve actually got a milder case of it, minus the manipulation card. My future looks fun, haha!

Interesting how they CAN DO stuff they WANT TO without needing to poop.

For one year, I was trapped in anxiety and could not go down the street because of this anxiety issue affecting the bowel. So I have sympathy on both sides of the issue.

It’s likely best that she not attend anything she’s uncomfortable with, sorry to say. No matter WHY. I’ve told Mom to save the pre-planned excuse discussion, “I get it”. And I do.

One time, my Mom ran an errand across town and back (because it was important to her - she doesn’t go out). It was a 20 minute trip each way, so I knew I had 40 minutes to shower. I did shower. I was out and dressed and she came home and raced for the bathroom. Just to make sure I wasn’t IN THERE. She sighed with relief, and said, I kid you not, “I’m so glad you didn’t shower! I worried the whole time I was gone that you might be in the bathroom!”

So yeah, I sympathize. Lately it’s not been as bad. I’m actually sick because Mother’s Day is almost here and I’m too exhausted and “sick” to even get a card - as yet.

I know it’s the SAME anxiety minus the manipulation again. I actually have a temperature and keep needing naps!

I need to move back in with mine (from the pugs) on Mother’s Day! So I’m hoping by having my car loaded with my belongings, I’ll have the strength to stop and get my needed gifts/card/etc.

Thanks for sharing what you go through.
Laurie
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38496

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Ladies,
I feel your pain because my mom does the same kind of thing.
I commend you both for loving your moms so much that you hang in there with them. =D>

My 85 year old mom’s latest thing is to ask for a priest whenever she doesn’t get her way. :lol:
My Grandkids say I’m a cuckoo head. ;)
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38497

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Yes, it’s used as a weapon

Lol The poop offensive.
My mom's DNA is spread out between me and my two sisters. Oldest the bitchiest self pitying. The middle sister frustrating denial and detachment. Me the baby mild OCD and anxiety ups and downs. No bowel anxiety I figured most places I go there's a bathroom some manageable distance to me.
My two sisters because they are the closest will help out my dad but not nearly enough. I have to come over and do what should have been done over a year ago which is help rid my parents house of junk and streamline the clothes,shoes, and toiletries, almost a hoarding situation. They live 10 minutes away and keep saying they will do it but nothing gets done until I come over. I have thrown away over 25 large trash bags of stuff in the last year and Mother's day I expect to get rid of another 5 bags. Last trip she had makeup as far back as 90's in bags. Piles of stuff on her dresser. Plus she compulsively bought new stuff. I will share this picture of new stuff I took which was three time as much until I split it up amongst all the girls.


That's 11 eye brow pencils. There was at least 30......
I do not believe my mom should make the trip if she is already acting up but my Dad really wanted to go and is very upset. I think its worse because he didn't want to drive and my Mom also has stranger danger issues. I told my Dad if they Uber they risk getting a one star passenger review.


Tiggs asking for a priest. A little bit dramatic lol!

Thank you guys for sharing my vent.

Laurie I hope your fever breaks soon it seems to be a bit stubborn. Feel better.

Luv and good vibes to you Don and for Liz's continued recovery.
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38499

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Thank you Nan :)

Get well soon Laurie.

Here are some hugs and kisses to make it all better. Just like I give my grandkids. Sometimes they actually humor me and say it works. :lol:
>:D :x >:D :x
My Grandkids say I’m a cuckoo head. ;)
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38500

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That looks like the house I’m dog sitting in. Products and MORE PRODUCTS. Every closet is JAMMED FULL with stuff likely from a family party - in the 70’s!

When the dog puke incident occurred, there is an “emergency note” with instructions to use this particular product with PAPER TOWELS.

On dog sitting gigs, I provide my own paper products, including paper bowls and TP. So I brought ONE ROLL of paper towels for myself.

But when the incident occurred, I was on a dead run looking EVERYWHERE for an expected hoard of paper products. They have enough cereal, rice, crackers and chips to ride out the zombie apocalypse with cans of beans and rice. No paper towels. None.

I found one USED roll for cleaning upstairs. But NO SPARES. Every spot of space has PRODUCTS like what that picture has! And board games! Lots of them, so must be fond memories attached. But they are just JAMMED in places.

There’s a pile of Easter Decorations in the master bedroom bath that was NOT USED this past Easter! It’s been collecting dust in a pile of unused space in there!

My anxiety poop issues are actually quite serious. Because my brain KNOWS it bothers my Mom when I’m in the bathroom, I get constipation TIMES A HUNDRED.

When I use the bathroom, she walks by over and over saying, “I don’t need in there, don’t worry” while I’m TRYING to take care of things. But with someone 2 ft away, pacing, my body won’t let go! It’s awful. I’ve had to do irreparable damage using extreme methods to get PAST the anxiety connection to my bowels.

I had it so bad that it happened to demonstrate while I was waiting to see my dr. I must have used the waiting room restroom like 5 times during a 30 minute wait. Plus I had the rapid pulse and high BP. So that was when it was explained to me.

I noticed that when Mom does go out, my bowels start working without my even realizing! Suddenly I’m “working fine” within 10 minutes! It’s fascinating and annoying. I try to CHANGE MY THINKING like all the experts tell you to. But the subconscious is powerful! It KNOWS when it’s really safe. No matter what my conscious efforts.
Then add kratom-constipation to the whole issue!

I considered staying married to the man who never heard me because I had my own bathroom! And health insurance! And an income (yes, allowance).

Your Dad has suffered ALL OF THESE YEARS and I doubt you can save him now. But I love you even more for trying - and wanting to - still.

I sympathize.
Laurie
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38501

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Oh yeah. I found ONE washcloth in the garage that was clean and not connected to a towel SET and I used THAT to clean the puke. With her product.

Came out AMAZING, I must say. Nicer than when they left. But it cost me my back for 2 days.
Laurie
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38502

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Asking for a priest got me hysterically laughing!

My fever has dulled some, thanks!

If it’s not gone by the morning, I’ll need a priest!

HAHAHAHA
Laurie
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38503

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Laughter is the best medicine :lol:
My Grandkids say I’m a cuckoo head. ;)
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My mom has dementia but with an asterisk 5 months 6 days ago #38506

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nan,

I sympathize with you. in so many ways im living it too. my moms happy to be home most of the time and doesn't have any big phobias except for borderline hoarder as well. i swear you think it would be better since shes not driving but people down the road have tag sales constantly cause they are an emergency pet shelter so shes always coming home with stuff not needed. I try and reason with her that they would be glad to accept $ instead of buying stuff, or give them donations to sell ( like stuff she bought lol )

and I get it on the glasses, shes done the same. already got officially diagnosed with dementia and now have to try to make her dining room her bed room. oh my. my little sis lives with her. awesome. help more. just found out her boyfriend moved in too. with his dog. shes 35. im trying to be tolerant. but boy do I want to give her a swift kick with a wake the f up. if youre living there to 'help' you must do so. not just a place to keep your stuff and go gallivanting all hours of the day and night.

boy I guess I needed a little venting too. it stirred up a lot of emotion. its tough seeing a parent mentally deteriorate. my dads been gone gonna be 16 yrs soon so I know she gets frustrated and depressed and lonely. I visit as often as I can and help. we do have a couple nurses coming in that can give her more professional help than I can. I just try to keep her well fed and laughing and try not to bust her stones too much on her quirks. I know she cant remember like she used to just try to be kind and tolerant. and yes nan she must have 7 mini container/ nut choppers but haven't seen her use one in forever. trying to help her let it go.

laurie, I hope you feel better! and your back feels better from all that scrubbing. when I take care of the little needy alien its in my own place, my landloard drops her off early before he goes to work. but if I know im gonna be home most of the day I don't wanna hear the little turd whine and cry all day.

I cant tell you how grateful I am for all of you. this truly is a family focused forum. I really cant ask for more. :x >:D
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